" It was dark, but I knew what they were doing to her. "
The man sitting across from me in his big, comfortable chair nods as if he understands, and motions for me to continue.
" Goddammit, you think I'm crazy, don't you? Why am I here, if you're just going to jot shit down in that dumb little notebook, and tell me i'm making progress every week?"
I was getting frustrated, and finally, a bit of reality crosses the man's face. " Look, Mr.Louns. -"
" Adam, then. " Damn. not even a hint of surprise on his face. I always wondered if therapists were trained to ignore surprise, and emotion, but thought I was just being dumb. Now those thoughts return. " I still need to gain a good image of what you're seeing, you understand that, right? I can't help you until I can see the same thing you're seeing." He tries to set a disgusting, wrinkled hand on my knee, but I pull away. " Please, Adam... Continue."
So I lean back on the stupid chair, and keep telling him what has plagued my sleep for the past several weeks.
" It was a house, but not mine. Bigger, like a mansion. " Another nod from 'Mr.Therapist'.
" I could hear her screaming from the second story, but the damned place was so big I couldn't find the stairs for the life of me. And when I did, there was blood smeared along the walls, and I could smell it, I could smell her, I could-"
" Adam, I think we should take a break."
I pause, and actually register what I'm repeating. There's no way I can go through it again. I can't wait, I can't pause, and there is no way in hell I can take a break. Sighing, I shake my head, and thrust myself back into that mansion, with the blood smeared along the stairwell.
" It was almost like I could smell her fear, and their exitement as I went up, but as I went up, I could hear her less and less. I keep worrying that they've killed her, but I don't stop looking."
The therapist nods again, and I momentarily wonder if they know how to do anything else with their heads but nod. " What does the upper floor look like, Adam?"
" Hell, I don't know. Kinda like the hallway to your office, but wider and longer, with doors all allong the walls. It reminds me of a funhouse, how the floor moves a little bit under your feet, and the doors are unrelistically close together, so you have to open every single one of them until you find the real one. " I fidget a little, and therapist seems to take that as a sign that I'm scared.
" It's alright, Adam. noone here but the two of us." Then he nods again, and I sigh. One of these days I'll nod back, and see how he likes it. Unnerving as hell.
" I open the first few doors, and each of them has a different thing in it, which is wierd, because they couldn't possibly have rooms behind them all, but they do. " I swallow, and cross my arms in front of my chest.
" What did you find in those rooms?"
" It was wierd. One of them was full of dead cats, but none of them were decomposed, you know? Like they had just died the day before. And one was full of bathtubs, and the bathtubs had wierd things in them that really didn't go together. One had some kind of soup in it, and another had grass.- Look, so I really have to describe what was in every door? 'Cuz I'll be damned if I remember every one of e'm. "
Holy shit, therapist shakes his head. " You don't have to explain it all, but it would help me greatly." I smile at that.
" Good. " And I continue. " I open every door, and there are different things in every one, but I just close them again, and keep moving down the hall, until I see a door with another smear of blood drawn across it. I open it, and see three men standing around a bed, pants around their ankles, playing with themselves. " I fidget more after saying that, and draw my legs up to myself. I'm starting to get cold. " I yell at them- " Hey, what the hell are you doing?" - and they move, and there is a fourth man on the bed, and he's-" It's hard to fight the hitching in my breath, and even harder to keep my watering eyes from overflowing, but I try. " and he's raping her. He's raping my baby girl."
" What do you do after you see that, Adam? How does seeing that make you feel?" Therapist doesn't nod, anymore, just looks at me with those creepily serene eyes.
" I jam the first man's goddamned nose into his brain, and take the knife out of his hand once he hits the ground. The second man tried to cut me, and gets my knife in his temple. I pick up his, and jam it in the third guy's spine. "
" And then you take the third man's knife?"
" Fuck no I don't take third guy's knife. I don't even touch the guy on top of her, I just say one thing. ' Let her go, or I'll kill you, too.' and he gets off of her, then turns to face me, and I grab his cock, and rip it off. Shove it down his throat, and break his jaw. Doesn't diserve to die, that stupid bastard."
I sigh, and wipe away the one tear that escapes me. " But my little girl... She doesn't move, or cry out, or come to me for comfort. She just lays there, and stares at me as if I'm a monster, like I'm not the man that raised her for fourteen years, and I can't bring myself to approach her, to try to embrace her, and comfort her, to curl her up in my arms, and say 'it's okay, daddy's here.' " That first tear starts a revolution, and and they fall from my eyes with no complaint from me. I sob, but the goddamned therapist needs to know it all, so I continue. " My little girl looks at me, all slow like, and says ' daddy, is that you? ' and I go to her, but the moment I touch her, she dissapears, and theres nothing left but three dead men and a woman with a broken jaw. " I sigh, fight the sobs, and gradually calm down.
" I love my daughter, and I would do anything to protect her, but do I really have to see this every time I close my eyes?"
This is it. This is the one time I've actually asked therapist a question he can actually answer to help me.
All he does is nod, and frown.
" Your little girl is all grown up, Mr.Louns. You've got to learn to let go."